TO LOVE YOU OUT LOUD
A Sapphic Flash Fiction
We sat in a coffee shop down the street from our one-bedroom apartment in downtown Minneapolis. Anna cradled a warm cup of tea in her pale, fragile fingertips as we sat by the ice-frosted windows. Our legs grazed each other, transferring a comforting warmth between us.
In solitude, we watched the cars drive down the bustling streets of the city. The cold seeped through the crevices of the window as I placed my mug of coffee on the table. I leaned forward and blew on it, causing dark brown ripples to form. The warm, homey smell of coffee surrounded me, offering brief comfort from the inescapable worries that always haunted me when the holidays rolled around.
Anna’s plump, rosy cheeks became fuller, and her lips creased at the corners with every smile I managed to get out of her—especially when I made her laugh. Then Anna went silent, looking me in the eyes. Her lips left a stain of red lipstick on the rim of her cup as she placed it before her. She reached for my hands and gently held them. I looked away, my eyes drifting to her cold hands.
“Honey, you’re freezing,” I said, wrapping my hands around hers and blowing hot air from my mouth to warm them. Her chestnut eyes were soft, but there was concern in them. I’ve never been able to hide how I truly feel. My face always gave me away.
“You’ve hardly taken a sip of your coffee.” Anna sighed, and I subtly pulled back as she pressed her soft lips against my cheek. “Karina, what’s the matter?”
My lips twitched, trying to smile, but the overwhelming sadness consumed me. “It’s…” I hesitated. “It’s nothing. I… I swear.”
I still hadn’t gotten used to even the slightest public display of affection, but I was trying for Anna. She deserved that at least. Hell, I transferred universities just to be with her. More like I transferred to escape my family’s judgmental and suffocating eyes. But I’d slowly realized that living in the closet is a habit that's hard to break, even in a city where no one knows me.
She spoke softly, “Are you sure?” She paused, then sighed again. “Baby, I can see that something’s wrong.”
My lips trembled, and my eyes swelled up. “I really do love you. I love you so much.”
My heart was pounding out of my chest, making it hard to keep eye contact with her. Anna faintly smiled, but it only lasted for a few seconds before she noticed the sadness in my eyes.
She playfully chuckled. “Why are you making it seem like that’s a horrible thing?”
I responded quickly, “Because it makes me vulnerable, and scared, and… and…”
She reached her arms out to caress my heated cheeks. “Shush. You need to stop overthinking things.”
I looked away from her. Her eyes burned through me.
“Karina, look at me.” Anna slowly dragged her fingers beneath my chin, guiding my head in her direction. “I love you so much.”
She moved in to plant a kiss on my lips, but I turned away timidly. Still, I knew deep down that she understood—I wanted her more than anything.
“I’m sorry… I’ve never felt so strongly about anyone in my whole life.” I anxiously clenched my jaw. “It scares me because I want to bring you to family gatherings. I want you to meet my parents. I want to love you out loud, but I can’t stand it and—” My mouth was a motor of insecurities, but she understood. I knew she did. She had to.
“Baby, I’m ready when you’re ready. You don’t have to rush it,” she said, her voice as sweet as honey, calming my palpitating heart.
“But I can’t help but think about these stupid things. You know how my parents are. They hardly know who I really am. I can’t just drop this bomb on them…”
“And you don’t have to. At least not right now.”
She tried to cheer me up, but it only lasted for a couple of seconds before my thoughts turned to my father—how he might react if he knew the truth of who I am. My heart sank, and anxiety rushed through my veins. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. She felt that too. And right then and there, we ended the conversation. We sat in a different silence now—one filled with tension that Anna tried to extinguish.
How long am I going to be a prisoner in my own life, despite being away from the people who made me this way? I sipped my now lukewarm coffee, wishing I could love Anna out loud, in front of the people who are supposed to love and accept me no matter what.
I took the last sip of my coffee and looked at Anna. I’d be a damn fool if I let my family get in between something so pure as us
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Your story triggered a thought in me—that I now see that I never told my parents the whole story of my love. Thanks!
I love how you say, “wishing I could love Anna out loud.”
I used to describe that feeling as living in a box. When I went home or to work.
I’m lucky that by the beginning of this century, I was able to tear up the box and throw it away.
Thanks for this story. 🏳️🌈