The Day I Realized I Can't Save Us
May 5th, 2021 - Journal Entry and Poem
May 5th, 2021
(16 days before I left)
Last night, I confronted her about how she behaved yesterday morning.
We sat in the living room.
“Your behavior was unacceptable,” I said.
She listened at first. The conversation went from it being about her behavior to: if I would have done what she said when she said it, she wouldn't have exploded.
A said that if she were to calmly tell me to do something or calmly say she's upset it has no effect on me. She said she has to scream and yell at me but that doesn’t seem to help either, so she screams and yells at me because she doesn’t want to bother not to. Stating that no matter how she reacts, it doesn’t phase me.
A said it was a low blow that I compared her to my “fucking ignorant, stupid, manipulative” father. Because she strongly believes she is nothing like him.
I told her that her behavior triggers me. I told her that I wanted her to reflect on the fact that the way she was treating me hurts me.
“I don’t give a fuck about your father or your childhood,” she said, with her arms crossed. “What the fuck am I supposed to reflect on? I have nothing to reflect on.”
I told her the way she treats me and name calls me is a low blow.
She really didn’t care about how I felt. It only mattered about how she felt.
“Is this what you want for the rest of your life?” I asked.
“This is what I’ve been asking and saying for so long.”
I tell her to answer the question.
She admits this is not what she wants.
She then asks if I am breaking up with her.
If I am going to up and leave as if I don’t have animals or a house because to her people don’t just up and leave when they separate.
She then said that if I want to leave then leave.
A then went on a tangent about how I’m playing the victim and making her look like the villain and to go ahead and make her look like the villain. Stating that I wasn’t perfect.
I never said I was. I point out my flaws, but I could never hurt her in the way that she has hurt me.
She said she knows she’s mean.
I asked her if she feels bad when she calls me names.
She doesn’t really answer the question.
She says I have been distant for 3 years.
I told her it was because of the way she has treated me, it made me distant. I told her that you can’t expect for someone to not be distant and mistreat them at the same time. I tell her she is a major stressor for me.
“The way you treat me at home, you wouldn’t dare treat me like that in front of people, tell me why.”
“Because no one needs to know our business,” she said.
“No, tell me why.”
She repeats what she says.
I can’t remember if I told her why I think she doesn’t. I think she doesn't because she knows her behavior is wrong and that she knows other people will also not find it acceptable.
She tells me that I can go ahead and make her look bad but essentially I am the one playing the victim again.
Also stated that she doesn’t abuse me.
You could tell she was growing more and more agitated. She started to raise her voice from time to time. I sat in silence at some points. She was making me feel like maybe I was wrong. Maybe if I listened to her or maybe if I was more productive we would be perfectly fine.
She basically said that I disrespect her too without words.
I told her that’s not possible. I told her that no matter what the situation is, “Your behavior is not justified.”
She only listens but doesn’t accept this.
At one point she said that I don’t do anything around the house. Which is for the most part true, and that I have not changed. I told her there's a reason for this. I told her that for all the years she had treated me like shit for not cleaning the dishes correctly or stacking them right, or not folding laundry correctly really had an adverse effect on me.
I told her that I stopped doing those things and had her do it instead because it caused less strain on our relationship than if I did them myself. Because I know she would feel that I wouldn’t do it right or up to her standards and this will cause major, unnecessary fights.
“You constantly treat someone like shit, they will avoid the things that make you treat them like shit,” I told her.
She thinks this is a bullshit answer. But it is true.
I told her that she should write down what she calls me and why. I told her to read it back to herself. She refuses. I asked her what she calls me.
“I call you a bitch and an asshole because you are,” she said.
I told her she says more than just that. I told her to spell out the names as well. She refuses. She thinks this is stupid.
This reminded me of a memory from several years ago, maybe three or four years ago. Where I was standing by the island in our home, back in Minnesota. A was on the opposite side from me. I handed her a notebook and I told her to stop calling me names and that if she did name call me, to spell it out in a notebook I placed between us. She looked me in the face and said, “That’s stupid. Maybe we shouldn’t be together if it bothers you so much.”
Naturally, afraid to lose her, I held back so many emotions and the conversation ended because I didn’t want us to end that night.
I told her I never once called her names, screamed at her or belittled her. She said I do those things without doing them. According to her, me not picking up around the house, not stacking dishes correctly, or folding the right way, or me forgetting to do things is the same as calling her names and disrespecting her. She then proceeded to say I’m making her look bad when really, what I hear is that this is all my fault.
She made me feel bad for thinking of leaving.
As if I am wrong.
As if I am the problem after all.
If I could only get my shit together, things wouldn’t be this way.
It almost felt like this was all my fault and I don’t like that feeling.
Me calling her my dad, and saying, “I could never be as fucked up as you”
were her only examples that I treat her poorly. She couldn't think of any other examples for the life of her and they were literally said once in one day, which was today.
She really tried shifting the blame to me.
In retrospect, it is telling of how she couldn’t and refused to hold accountability for her own actions. I wonder if she notices this.
In conclusion, the conversation went absolutely nowhere.
She doesn’t think her behavior is wrong, rather she thinks it is justified.
Where to go from here? She does have a therapist appointment on May 18th, 2021, which I swear she never told me about. She said I’m calling her a liar. She said I make her sound crazy. I swear I would have heard her say she had an appointment on a specific day. She said she did tell me. If I remember correctly, she said the therapist was booked till later in May. Nowhere was there a specific appointment slot made. Apparently she told me. I did not listen.
Wow, I just remembered when she said everyone leaves and uses her so she isn’t surprised if I do too.
Stay
It is true,
My life would change without you.
Yours would change without me too.
I didn’t give you enough time to be alone.
You had so much growing to do.
We had so much growing to do.
We’ve almost broken up
countless of times in nearly 7 years.
Is this a sign that maybe we’re not meant to be?
What do we keep fighting for?
What is there even left?
Is it for love?
Has there ever been love?
I know that we are far from healthy.
We both, very well know
We are toxic for each other.
Yet, we stay together.
For what?